A Poem A Day 29

                    What They Said

When we said some words, in front of a minister, before God.

          They said our vows were holy, unbreakable.

                    I signed with my life.

When he exploded because I moved furniture in our newlywed apartment.

          They said things would get better.

                    I waited, on eggshells.

When he blamed me for something he had lost and yelled, and yelled, and yelled

           They said I should not have yelled back.

                    I took responsibility for the escalation.

When he soiled everything, did nothing, and my frustration boiled over

           They said I should respect him.

                    I could not, and felt a failure.

When the yelling and fighting and demanding became too much and I ran away

          They said our bond was sacred.

                    I went back to him.

When I did not want sex, and he pressured and bullied me

          They told me I needed to love him.

                    I drank numbness to satisfy him.

When his abuse became intolerable, and I left the house to escape

          They said our relationship needed help.

                    I kept going through the motions.

When, exhausted, with a newborn, I said no to sex and he railed all night, relentless

          They did not say anything

                    And I was too tired to even think of a response.

When I rang the police, to ask if they could stop the yelling

          They said if he was not hitting me, they could do little.

                    I swallowed my pain.

When I ran to my family after yet another argument

          They questioned my communication skills.

                    I continued struggling.

When I broke down in Church, begging God for help or relief

          They said I needed to believe more.

                    I prayed harder.

When he worked through our family holiday and we were without him

          We breathed freely, walked on solid earth

                    I found clarity.

When I finally walked away

          They questioned my motives.

                    I believed myself.

                    Kerry Miller